Thursday, June 9, 2011

In search of the new ME

Hey there everyone! I'm back again. teehee* Sem break is finally here! woohoo! feels really glad that I'm finally done with my finals. Those moments spent in the open lab for hours and hours were such a torment for me. fuhhh
 well, fyi, I'm not the type that can sit back in my own room and study so yea, I gotta camped in uni almost every-single-day and now ended up with severe conjunctivitis due to excessive use of lens. ok. nevermind. Let's just skip that. Now i'm just hoping for the best for my results so yea, fingers crossed.

Frankly speaking, many times that I tried to create a post but I ended up diverting to face book or youtube ( random vids by nigahiga or wongfu production, etc. lol.)  And part of the reason is that I can't seem to blog like back then where I can really express the thoughts in my mind. Prolly it's due to the fact that I'm no longer used to express my feelings in the blog sphere. Hence, twitter has become an alternative. But since that I've got plenty of time now, I shall try to urhmmm... truly blog something. I mean not just about pictures and events and  stuffs.. so be prepared to be flooded with tons of words! 
Now now where should I start... hmm. maybe I should start with my personal thingy. LOL

All these while, I think I went through vast changes in terms of my personality. Early this year, I started to feel a little lost, unsure of what I should believe in and what am I fighting for all these while.Insecure about people around me, unsure of who and what should I trust and believe in any longer. And the saddest part is I almost lose my faith in God. I was so bitter in a way that I put all the blames of  my failures and  disappointments that I had on the love ones that backfired me, in God. I loathe the fact that why some times justice can never be obtained. Take bully as an example. Bullying in physical term there's still a ray of hope for judgement but what about those via mental torment? How are you supposed to back yourself up for that? 

Well I'm not sure does this feeling exist in most people when going through stages of growing up or its just the silly me.The anger that rose inside of me sort of caused me to be rather harsh towards people around me especially my mother. I felt that what's the point of being Miss nice? I don't see there's much appreciations pun. And worst of all, the pay back that you get from sometimes is just "breathtaking". HUALA. 

What upset me most is that I noticed that I've becoming more and more introvert, cold-hearted. That new side of  me build up as I get more and more paranoid of getting hurt by people and circumstances around me. This made me truly missed the old me. The one who can laugh at the most random thing ever, the one who can simply  joke with friends around. the one who's genuinely "happy" somehow. 

huh.... besides, My confidence in everything that I do somewhat  just went "poof", gone completely. I felt like there's this tiny part of me that I can never expressed. I couldn't find a way to show the inner side of me. The more I tried , the more downhill I go. Then, I got really frustrated. Hence, I choose not wanting to do much nor think much, just  keep on pacing through my life as I thought with this kind of lifestyle, I can free myself from all these overwhelming personal conflict issue. Well, guess I was pretty much wrong. In fact, I weren't happy at all. 
At times when Im seriously down and lost like that, I began to realize that somehow I need someone special to be with me. Someone who's willing to listen to my problems, someone who  can accept who i truly are, someone who can walk with me in search of my true self and goals. But I know it's definitely not gonna be easy as it will probably be hard to fit into my complicated life :S  LOL. kid not XD

O boy, can't believe I've been here crapping for like an hour and the half. sweat. Actually, I ain't sure whether do I want to publish this or not. GAHHH I think I'll just post it lah! If not what's the point of wasting my time, staring at the laptop for hours with super red eyes. *the eyes are in pretty bad condition that I feel like koreK-ing them out, what turf -______-

Well, nonetheless,  at least I'm no longer THAT lost anymore for now! :X Somehow I realized that dissatisfaction and anger will not bring me anywhere but instead, will caused me to be even more lost in this journey of life. Also, I come to learn that we can't escape from the fact that everyone adores themselves much more than anything else in this world and I won't deny that I'm not much of an exception (; 


But there's one thing that I'm prettty much sure of is that I am no longer the old me anymore. I think what I've experienced all these while are enought to completely change my mentality towards life. 

ANYWAY, check out my photography skill! It's taken via my iphone so not that clear resolution lah! hehe. Anyway, its taken at the roottop back at Gasoline, Spring.   


OK now I feel like singing.
Stary stary night~ 
ok lame. 


Time to sleep. Nights ya'all. 


XoXo

Jules